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Keep you second guessing
like, oh my god
who is she?
i get drunk
on jealousy
but you'll come back
each time you leave....

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Sometimes I like to play with jealousy....

I mean, it's not something I feel that often, but when I do it can be very strong. It can get you to do outlandish things. Like the one time my boyfriend was having a girl over and I hid in the bathtub.

But jealousy isn't one emotion, it's kind of an umbrella term......

So what's under my umbrella?

Fear of rejection. Fear that she will be better than me. Fear of abandonment.

Fear that she can give you something I can't. She's gonna be younger, prettier, more interesting.

Fear that she will hurt you (yes, you!)

She's gonna snare you in her web of lies.


Why is it always a she? It could easily have been a "he", most of my exes are bi/pan and my current partners are too. Is this some sort of internalized misogyny? Am I competitive with women because I was raised to value looks above any other personal quality I might have? Do I really think my partners are that shallow?

But honestly, most of the time I don't feel jealousy, not like my fiance. Most of my displays are just that- displays. They're like costumes that I put on. I know when my sister gets jealous, she turns red and hot, her jealousy can consume....

I just want to feel loved. Safe. Stable.

If I have all those things, there's no need for me to feel jealousy.