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Now this is what it's like when worlds collide
Now this is what it's like....

Starfuckers
Starfuckers
Starfuckers incorporated


END LYRICS


Kyle said these were our songs. I felt proud that we had a song, "our song". It had a nice ring to it.

Later I combed through them, trying to analyze what about these songs reminded him of me. Neither of them were romantic?

They are kind of badass songs. I feel like I'm driving fast in a car when I hear them. I'm wearing like this leather jacket. Kyle must be like waaay smarter about these things than I am.

Still, I have this feeling in my stomach, like I'm falling. He says he loves me, but that's not good enough, I can't hold onto that. These songs aren't enough to work with, I can't crack their code.

I'll ask him.

I ask him, and ask him, and ask him. His face looks like it's bruised every time, but he doesn't say anything.

In the meantime, I have to fuck him. Like, every second. Everytime he plays videogames or hangs out with his mom or his friends, I feel like my head is going to explode. There's no other way.

"Come *on* Kyle...." I say in that way, grabbing his arm. It makes me feel good that he can't resist me. His mom cuts me a look but I don't know what it means.

We go to his room. The air looks green because that's the color I associate with Kyle, it's kind of a yellowy-neon green, static. I push him on the bed, he falls over like a light, stiff board. Pulls me on top then tumbles me over to the bottom, like usual. He turns on the stereo with one finger, a Green Day album. I'm close to memorizing all the songs. I look at the ceiling the whole time. I don't feel anything going on down there but a sick wet feeling. I don't even know if he's using a condom. I'm on birth control.

It's over, he's back to video games. I confront him again

"Why do you love me?" I'm nagging him, not backing down this time. I make him look at me.

"You were my first....You're a goddess. I worship you, ok?"

He bursts into tears.